A letter from my future self
It will never be too late to turn towards who you are truly supposed to be
I found a letter in my journal yesterday. It’s dated almost exactly six years ago. I was 28.
I was feeling lost, stuck and frustrated with the parts of my life that I desperately wanted to be different, and couldn’t seem to find a way out no matter how hard I tried.
At some point I came across a Tara Brach meditation on accessing the wisdom of your future highest self, and in what felt like a floundering attempt for hope, I pressed play.
I imagined myself 20 years older in an apartment with white walls and floor to ceiling windows that looked over a water view. The interiors were beautifully furnished, earthy and minimalist. Her hair was long and curly with streaks of grey, and she looked stylish and comfortable in a loose flowing dress, barefoot, just going about her day at home. Most importantly she looked like she’d transcended out of all the inner conflict I was feeling and seemed so at peace.
We sat down together on her cream sofa, and I asked her what she thought about the places I was feeling stuck. I wanted reassurance from her that it would eventually work out.
But that's not what she said.
“Stop trying to control this, let it be uncertain. I can't tell you the answers, stop trying to read the last page in the book, or looking at the back for the answers. Sit in this phase of discovery, embrace the mystery of it all. Either way the time will pass. Find joy in the process, meet it with excitement and enthusiasm not fear and anxiety or judgement,” is what she said instead.
A few weeks later when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and needing comfort, I pulled out my journal and wrote myself a letter from her with the things I thought she might want me to know.
13th Sept 2017
Hi darling,
I know you've been trying to reach me and I just wanted to write you a note because I can see that you're anxious.
The first thing I want to tell you is to relax, and breathe.
Wherever you are take a moment to breathe and be grateful for everything in your life. For where you are sitting, for what is going on around you, for the sun that rises and falls with you, and for the breath that is flowing in and out of your body.
Breathe it in darling, and as you breathe out I want you to know that everything is going to be ok.
I know that you look up to me for guidance and in aspiration, but I want you to know that I'm looking back at you and I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you to relax.
You're trying to fight against what is meant for you, so that you can try and create what you think you should be. They are not the same thing.
I can see how much pain you are causing yourself. You are a healer darling, your natural energy is to bring people closer to themselves, you are a giver and a teacher and I want you to focus on that.
Stop trying to prove to the world and to yourself that you are enough, because the world already knows, and you don't need to convince me. I know that you are enough, the divine within you knows that you are enough. You deserve to be here, and you deserve to let your light expand and fill as much of the earth as possible. Grow it, expand it, share it.
You're going through these cycles of self sabotage because you don't think that you really deserve any better. I want you to know that who you are is beyond what you are able to do, to perform, to create. Who you are is also about who you choose to be, in each moment, and I want you to radically choose yourself, and who you choose to be. It's not about what who you've become, but who you choose to be each day and in each moment.
I want you to know that you'll reach a place where you feel free.
Where you'll like yourself, and you'll accept the parts of you that you find a little harder to like. I want you to know that I feel strongest when I'm practising self-acceptance. I want you to know that I'm happy. That I am loved, and that I've learned better how to pick myself everyday.
I want you to know that you'll get here, but not by default, you have to come here. Come to me darling. Please, have the courage to let go of the things that are holding you back and take some time to focus on you for a while, without distractions. I know there are times when it will feel uncomfortable and you won’t want to think and feel it all. And you feel so deeply. I know it can be overwhelming. It’s both a burden and a blessing, but instead of trying to run from it, please feel it, use it.
Remember if you are feeling this way, imagine the other people who are feeling the same way too. Let them feel like they are not alone. Remember that you can use your feelings to heal or harm yourself. Choose healing. For yourself, for the people around you, for me.
I want you to have the life that I have, I want you to feel this peace, and this sense of self acceptance. Just take some time to get to know yourself truly as you are without all the expectations, and to really feel everything.
When you're feeling too much to be in your body, sit in it even more, let it flow through. Dance more, laugh more, speak more, listen more, be still more, jump more.
I want you to know that you don't have to be so earnest about the things that you want. They will come. I also want you to know that I'm not perfect, but I have got better at accepting my imperfections and observing and being aware of the shadowy sides of my nature.
I know you're worrying about whether it's too late. But I want you to know that it's not.
It will never be too late to turn towards who you are truly supposed to be.
I want you to know that I'm going to be right here with you, guiding you. You're not alone - and I'll be here by your side the whole way. Just come to me darling.
What stikes me as I read this letter back, now six years older, is that the apartment I live in has white walls and floor to ceiling windows that look out on to a water view. The interiors are earthy and minimalist. My feet are bare, my trousers loose and flowing, my hair is long, curly, and definitely a little greyer than five years ago.
Most importantly - I feel at peace.
I feel like her.
Journal prompt
If your future self were to write you a letter, or send you a voicenote, what would they say?
What would they want you to know about what you’re experiencing right now?